


Humans are Space orcs One shots

by Thyress



Category: humans are spaceorcs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:15:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28940574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thyress/pseuds/Thyress
Summary: Just some random humans are space orcs stories i did.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	1. Aliens learn about D&D

A: Human Dave, how did you survive on earth with al those monsters?

H: We outran them until we learned to hunt them in groups

A: But how did you outrun these things that could fly faster than you can run, or hunt creatures like the Tarasque

H: What do you mean, the Tarasque is not real.

A: what do you mean, it is in this book.

Alien shows the human the monster manual.

H: That book is meant for Dungeons and Dragons, it is a role-playing game.

A: what is a role-playing game?

H: A role-playing game is when you get together with a group of friends and pretend to be characters, who go on great adventures like killing some of these creatures.

A: But why would you do that?

H: Because we are bored, I guess, but also because it's fun

A: So, humans as a species grew past the need to hunt and kill dangerous creatures, and then made games where you pretend kill these creatures, for fun.

H: Yeah, I guess so

A: I am so done with you Humans.

H: So, you do not want to try it?

A: Even though it does sound special I do not think the game is for me.

H: well, that is a shame, I could always use a new party.


	2. The Dangers of Human cooking

Captains log 438: after the recent loss of my chef, because of injuries sustained in battle, I asked command if they would be able to send me a new one. They said they would and just a couple of days later we picked up the new chef. It was only then I learned that a human had been assigned as our new chef.  
A couple of days after the human joined the crew he came to the bridge and started an interesting conversation:

H: Hi cap, short question since it will soon be Christmas, is it possible for me to cook a special dinner for the crew.

A: One, I am to be spoken to as captain not as "cap". Two what are you planning to make for this so-called Christmas

H: Just a little bit of Turkey with some mashed potatoes.

A: You do know that those are both highly dangerous and even toxic to some of the crew, right human?

H: only when prepared incorrectly.

A: what do you mean incorrectly?

H: well, it could be dangerous if made by a new chef who doesn't know what he is doing, but when made by an expert like me it poses no danger to anyone.

A: and how did you find out about this fact?

H: easy sometimes when a human prepared such food for your kind it went wrong and other times it nothing went wrong, so we just kept trying to make it less dangerous and in the end we succeeded.

A: so, after your food killed multiple beings, you didn't think, maybe we should stop giving them this.

H: if you don't succeed at first, try again.

A: I am very sorry but after what I just heard I cannot allow you to that to my crew.


	3. Aliens learn to play Monopoly

H1: Hey guys look at this, there is a box of Monopoly in here.

H2: O great, who is in?

H1: me

H3: me too

A: what is monopoly?

H1: It is a game where you try to earn as much as you can to make sure the other players go bankrupt.

A: So, it is capitalism the game?

H2: yeah basically, you want to join?

A: why the hell not

The next few hours where spend trying to make sure everyone has the right piece.

A2: What the hell happened to you?

A1: I decided to try and play a game with the humans.

A2: that doesn't explain why you are so bruised.

A1: We couldn't decide which piece was used to represent who.

A2: so, who won the game?

A1: I don't know we are still playing.

A2: How is that possible?

A1: Don't even ask.


	4. Aliens learn about Minecraft

H: Hello, mister Alien would you like to see one of the bestselling earth games of all time?

A: Is it as bloody and violent as most of your games?

H: No, it's a sandbox game in which you can build anything you want.

A: but human Dave, sand is not very good for most electrical devices.

H: Oh sorry, sandbox games are games where you are free to do anything you want, most of the time by building.

A: so, the most popular game on earth is about building, while most games are about killing things.

H: you can still kill things but, yeah that is about right.

A: Of course, if a human made it you can kill in it.

H: But we have used it to create amazing things.

A: like what?

H: All of Hogwarts, some nations, huge churches and even a 1:1 recreation of earth in the game.

A: wow humans did not just make so called Dicks, that is quite surprising.

H: I never said we did not do that.

A: of course, why am I even surprised anymore


	5. What is Fake it 'till you make it?

A: Human Dave, what is fake it 'till you make it.

H: Where did you hear that?

A: I overheard a group of humans saying that when one asked the other how he got here.

H: well, it means that if you don't know how to do something, you just act like you do until you eventually do something right and then you make it.

A: But what do you make?

H: Making doesn't mean creating in this context, it means getting better until you do something good.

A: But how do you do the right thing when you don't know what you should do.

H: You just keep trying until you succeed.

A: But isn't that incredibly dangerous.

H: I guess so, but it works.

A: I forgot I was talking to a human.


	6. What is art?

A: Human John, why is that person sitting there while the other person is writing on a piece of paper?

H: He is not writing he is painting the person sitting there.

A: But human John I thought you humans know about cameras, so why is he painting that person, was I wrong about thinking that?

H: Yes, we humans know about the camera we have had them for years, but he is making that painting as a piece of art.

A: What is this so called "Art"?

H: Art is something humans make, by pouring their own soul into something they are creating.

A: But human John, souls have been proven not to exist. So how can someone put a thing that doesn't exist into something.

H: It's just a human saying, it means to make something the way you see it in your mind.

A: Okay, but what is the use of Art.

H: It looks good, or makes you think about something.

A: So, you humans use old methods which take way longer because you like how it looks?

H: Yeah, I guess.

A: But I thought humans had no attention span?

H: Most of the time, unless we are really interested in something.

A: Guess it's time to update the human manual.

H: What is that, and can I see it?


	7. Humans learn about the Human manual.

Captains log 6: Today one of my human crewmates found out about the guide to dealing with Humans, here is the story while I’m still alive to tell it.

The day started off with us docking in a station near a gas giant called Jupiter in the sol 3 system where the humans came from. After only a couple of hours on the station my lieutenant came to me with the news that the humans from our crew started fighting about a war in the stars or something like that, so I told her to get the humans back to the ship while I would look through the Guide to find out about the correct procedures, to make humans calm down, unluckily for me I was still looking through it when one of the humans came in. “I’m so sorry about the fight captain, but he should not have insulted Ewan McGregor.” Then the human notices the fact that I am holding a book as thick as his head and of course he asks:  
“ What’s that book?” “This is the book in which I can find how to punish you, ah here it is cleaning the ships deck for 2 weeks.” “That’s worth it.”

A couple hours later I notice that all of the human crew have disappeared together with a large group of humans which were at the docks since we came in. So, I asked the watch what happened, and he said one of the most worrying sentences I have ever heard: “One of the humans called together the rest because he had found some book, I thought it was nothing.” “Oh no”, that is when I made sure to record this before the humans read through it and think that something is meant as offensive to them, and attack us.

This is a message to high command, never show a human the manual they will find a way to get one, and we all know what an angered human can do.


End file.
